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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  April 22, 2015 12:36am-1:38am PDT

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: once again, nate bargatze, everybody. may 2nd, be sure to tivo it or dvr it. my thanks to blake lively, and brian grazer, and weird al yankovic! [ cheers and applause ] and the roots of course, everybody. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night.
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hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- ethan hawke from hbo's "silicon valley," kumail nanjiani music from dwight yoakam featuring the 8g band with jeremy gara from arcade fire. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] and now, here he is, seth meyers! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: good evening, everybody. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night."
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how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] good to hear. good to hear. you guys like birthdays? [ cheers ] anyway, nothing on that. [ laughter ] you guys, today is queen elizabeth's 89th birthday. [ cheers ] she's celebrating the same way she always does, by sucking the life force from a peasant child. [ laughter ] cnn said today that president obama's approval rating is shifting back towards positive numbers. cnn also said, "hey, can you show us how to do that?" [ laughter ] google -- this is exciting, you guys. google will now let users download and export their entire search history. people who have tried the new feature are saying, "oh, no! oh, dear god, what have i done? why did i do that?" [ laughter ]
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a company has come out with a line of medical marijuana dog treats. finally -- [ light laughter ] finally, you guys, finally a medicine that will help my dog lay on the couch all day. [ laughter ] [ applause ] so happy about that. so excited for her. so excited for her. a new species of frog -- if you get excited about new species, brace yourself for this, guys. a new species of frog discovered in costa rica looks exactly like kermit the frog. it's crazy. this is true. it has the same color green. it has the same eyes. and there's a man's arm up its butt. [ laughter ] this is a true story, though. that a look. this is a photo of the actual frog. look at that. and this is crazy. this is a bear they just discovered, a species of bear. [ laughter ] can i tell you guys something? that last picture, it's photoshopped.
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[ laughter ] i know you think that it looks really like a real picture. nah-ah. computers. this is interesting to me. the cdc is advising that ebola survivors should abstain from sex. and if you're having trouble abstaining from sex, a little trick you could use is telling people you had ebola. [ laughter ] and that should just take it off the table. [ applause ] sex would be off the table at that point. an off-duty police officer in florida was caught with cocaine last week and said during the arrest, "the crack isn't for me. it's for my wife." and you thought it was embarrassing when your wife sent you out for tampons. [ laughter ] i need you to pick up my crack. [ laughter ] a new study finds that babies, you guys, babies experience pain in the same way that adults do. which explains that baby i saw last night drinking alone at a bar.
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[ light laughter ] [ audience aws ] just had a hard day. crawled over to the jukebox. put on some smiths. it was a sad baby. and finally, prostitutes from nevada's famous brothel, the moonlight bunny ranch, have launched a campaign called "hookers for hillary." [ light laughter ] yeah. many of them were also members of the 2000 group, "whores for gore." [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, this is the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how we doing, 8g band? everybody good? everybody say hello to jeremy gara. jeremy gara, the drummer for arcade fire is joining us all week. [ cheers and applause ] welcome back. you guys, we've got a great show for you tonight. the very talented ethan hawke is here. [ cheers and applause ] so great to have him back.
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also stopping by, from hbo's "silicon valley," comedian and actor kumail nanjiani is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] excited to have him back as well. and we'll have music from country music pioneer, dwight yoakam. [ cheers and applause ] now, a couple weeks ago, the new york auto show was in town. and i decided there would be no better person to go check it out than with my father-in-law, tom. so here you go. >> seth: i'm here at the new york auto show, but i don't know a thing about cars. so i brought along with me car enthusiast and my father-in-law, tom ash. thanks for being here, tom. >> thanks for having me, seth. >> seth: thanks for having your daughter. let's go look at some cars. [ laughter ] we're here from front of the new corvette z06. so we thought why not take a closer look at the chevy spark. [ laughter ] come with me, cars. i am the pied piper of the auto show. you've been static too long. follow me to the streets!
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you know, it's so sad. you have a full year to get ready for a car show. and you keep saying to yourself i have plenty of time to get ready, i have plenty of time to get ready. and then you just keep putting it off and you have to show up with this. [ laughter ] super embarrassing. jennifer lopez! j-lo! j-lo! [ laughter ] j-lo! tom, your daughter has always teased you about being long winded. so, as quickly as you can, tell me about your first car. >> well, i had a blue volvo that had a big hole in the floor that was covered with license plates. >> seth: mm-hmm. mm-hmm. >> which was not fun to drive in the rain. it had a trunk that somebody had pushed down wrong, you know. i got a flat tire once and, you know, this is, like before triple a -- >> seth: we're here with nick who is a product specialist to chevy. and we're going to show him some new "late night with seth meyers" car products to get
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his honest take on them. is safety important to chevy? >> safety is very important to chevy. absolutely. >> seth: can you imagine anything safer than car in a condom? [ laughter ] some people love having a lot of cars, right? >> absolutely. >> seth: one of the problems is you don't have a lot of garage space, yeah? >> yeah, for the most part. >> seth: that's all solved with the russian mini van. second car, third car, fourth car, fifth car. [ laughter ] and that little dude is just for your dog or something. i don't know. real quick, you ever see the show "miami vice." >> a little bit. yes. >> seth: do you remember don johnson? >> i do. [ laughter ] >> how are you doing? >> seth: i can not believe our luck with the car we just stumbled across. everybody, brace yourselves, it's going to be very exciting. transformers. transform! [ laughter ] would you believe me if i told you my father-in-law, tom, was a drummer for the eagles. >> i would totally believe you. >> seth: see, you should start telling people that. >> okay. [ laughter ]
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>> seth: we're here with steve lorton at camp jeep. steve, tell us exactly what camp jeep is. >> well, we've got this really wonderful, intense obstacle course so you can come out and do a little four-wheeling at camp jeep. >> seth: all right. let's do it. ♪ >> do you think you can do it? >> seth: of course i can do it. i can do this. i can totally do this. i can do this. tom at the wheel. [ laughter ] driver tom. a safe pair of hands. good old tom at the wheel. steve's at the wheel. [ laughter ] this is better. this is the best possible outcome. and we could have done it. >> and how does it feel to be back on the road? >> seth: you know, it was a little bumpy, but wasn't as bumpy as driving with tom's wife. that was a mother-in-law joke. [ laughter ] thank you so much for joining us at the 2015 new york auto show. [ cheers and applause ] thanks, tom! we'll be right back with more "late night"! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our first guest tonight is an academy award nominated actor, who recently directed his first documentary entitled "seymour: an introduction" in theaters now. and he's starring in a few film that just premiered at the tribeca film festival and called "the good kill." it will be in select theaters
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may 15th and on demand may 22nd. let's take a look. >> i used to -- i used to make you happy. oh, i can't be that person. if i'm not doing what i do, i am a pilot and i'm not flying. i don't know what it is that i am doing, but it's not flying. >> seth: please welcome back to the show -- ethan hawke. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: so lovely to have you back! >> thank you, man. >> seth: such a delight. >> appreciate it. >> seth: so this is, you know, we're reuniting. this is your second time on the show. >> it's really warming my heart. >> seth: it's a reunion for us. for this film, you've reunited
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with the director of "gattaca." so, "gattaca", which was like 15, 16 years ago and now you're doing another film. is it fun to reconnect with a director like that? >> oh, i love it. we did "lord of war" in between. >> seth: oh, okay. >> he's really, i mean -- one of my favorite directors. "gattaca" is a movie all about genetic engineering. and he put his finger on what is really pressing in the film about where humanity intersects with technology. which is exactly what "drones" is about -- the "good kill" film that's coming out. >> seth: right. so you're a pilot who's operating drones, so you're no longer in the plane. >> right, i'm sitting in a winnebago outside of vegas flying over afghanistan remotely. >> seth: and that is, i mean when you think about it, in the same way a genetic engineering 16 years ago seemed like a crazy idea, i think if this movie would have came out 15 years ago then it would have seemed like crazy sci-fi. >> i think people would have thought it was "blade runner" or some dysutopian weirdness. >> seth: yeah. >> but it's real. were you disappointed when you heard you were going to be a
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pilot? and you thought, "oh my god this is gonna be kick ass" and then they said you're a drone pilot and you're in a winnebago. >> i did have that feeling. i'm picking out the sunglasses. i'm going to be like maverick in "top gun." and then they show me my little drone. okay. >> seth: yeah, the volleyball scene with you guys playing nintendo. >> yeah, tom cruise got the ninja flyway, got to kiss the girl, and instead, i've got my little drone. >> seth: well, that's alright. either version you'd been great. >> i have other attributes. >> seth: you do have other attributes. >> thank you, seth, yeah. >> seth: the last time you were here, i feel like it was right before everyone was talking about "boyhood." >> it was first coming out. >> seth: it was first coming out. >> you were ahead of the curve. >> seth: i was really ahead of the curve. i got "boyhood" when he was only nine. did you at any point, obviously, at that point, there was a lot of critical success. but then it became this movie that a lot of people saw. did you see that coming at all? >> i didn't see it coming at all. i loved the movie and i wanted people to like it. you have no idea when you put
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something out there like that when people are going to emotionally connect to something. on one level, it was great. another level, it was it sucked. it was like a vacuum cleaner to my life. i ended up having to go to every opening all over the world. >> seth: yeah, and it's not "the avengers" where you know it's going to be a big thing. it's probably stretched out over a year like "we're gonna open it again." >> to be honest with you, it was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. to get to make a movie you love. with people you love and then end up having it connect with people. it's what you dream of. >> seth: do you think the kids in the movie have -- >> yeah, they have a very skewed sense. every movie i do is going to be fabulous. i've made a lot of movies. >> seth: it's easy. they take 12 years to make and everybody loves them. >> yep, every time. >> seth: and then you guys were obviously nominated for an oscar. you did not win the oscar. how was that night for you? >> it's always better if you don't win that's my theory. >> seth: you think not winning
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is. >> well, the truth is it's a "can't lose" situation is how i look at it because if you don't win, the rest of your life everybody comes up to you and says "man, you should have won that other movie stinked. you're the best!" so your stock rises. and if you win, you won. so you don't care what anybody says. so, really, every scenario is victorious. [ applause ] >> seth: absolutely, four winners. that was your fourth -- you've been nominated now four times. twice as an actor, twice as a writer. >> my goal is to beat peter o' toole without winning. peter o' toole was nominated eight times. he was 0 for 8. i want the go 0 for 9. >> seth: alright, so you need to be like really good -- >> it's hard to go 0 for 9. i mean, c'mon, you've got to get to the dance nine times. but i kind of picture myself with my walker like getting my last one. >> seth: right. you also have to be really good, but you can't be too sympathetic. if you're too sympathetic or sad, people just give you a pity one. >> yeah, you can't play people who die.
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you can't play sad people. >> seth: oh, i love it. you're going to for the real. >> seth: if you play somebody who dies like with an asterisk, it's like a-rod broke the home run record. yeah, but -- >> definitely. "oscar asterisk." try saying that five times fast. >> seth: you also directed a movie this year called "seymour: a introduction." i started watching it today, and it's a fascinating movie about a fascinating guy. >> about an 88-year-old piano maestro who dedicated his life to teaching. >> seth: and you met him, and you're in the documentary as well. >> a little bit, yeah. >> seth: but you met him at a dinner party. so you sat next to this 88 year old -- >> a friend of mine invited me to dinner and it was a little bit like getting seated next to gandalf. he's an incredibly wise, viotific, happy, lovely person. and i felt -- i don't know, really it's hard to say. i had this amazing dinner, i walk home, i tell my wife, "who is this guy?" and i started googling and find out that he was a korean war vet, and when lincoln center
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came out he opened it. he was a really famous successful former piano maestro. and then in the midpoint of his life, he quit playing in public. >> seth: walked away. >> and walked away, and dedicated the second half of his life to teaching other people and to writing. and i was just -- hypnotized by him. and i thought that he has a lot to say about a life in the arts. and what it means. because everybody is always trying to tell you that the point of life is to win. and it was really fun to meet this 88 year-old guy who's obviously wise, obviously happy, who is telling you that the point of life is not to win, but how you live your life. >> seth: right. >> it felt so good to hear somebody smart saying that. that i started filming him it and now the movie's come out. >> seth: it's really wonderful. he's a wonderful guy. here's what i want to ask. >> yeah. >> seth: who was the other person on the other side of you at the dinner party? and did you pay -- >> some boring idiot. >> seth: yeah. that dude is probably thinking oh my god yeah. >> why didn't he write a
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documentary about me? i think maybe that drove us together. the guy with really bad breath to my right. [ talking over each other ] >> seth: he sort of helped you because he sort of talked a great deal about -- i mean he knows you have talent. he knows you're talented but he didn't like performing and he sort of helped you through some stage fright stuff. >> i was avoiding that part of it. but, yes you're right, what happened was he kind of zeroed in on me. i was doing a lot of theater at that time. i started professionally acting when i was 13. i was 12 when i did my first play. and there i was at 40. and for the first time in my life, i was having total crisis of confidence. and he just picked up on it at this dinner party. wouldn't stop asking me about it. and i realized, in talking to him, that these classical musicians suffer a fear of performing even more than actors do because so much rides on their every performance. they might prepare for a year for one concert where one memory slip, one rogue left pinky will ruin your whole career. and it can't get your nervous system in such a piss that it's difficult. so my problems were nothing
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compared to his. and it was really helpful to talk to him about it. >> seth: did you come close to that precipice where you had your pinky slip? or near pinky slip? >> oh, all the time. >> seth: that's the big difference between being on stage and being in film. you doing both, do you sort of forget how hard plays are when you start doing them? >> i've been doing them both, kind of balancing act, my whole career. i think that one feeds the other. but, yeah, you get to a place where you have so much respect for the audience. that's what you don't have when you're younger. you have respect for the profession, you have respect for the audience, you have respect for the people you're working with. and you start to understand what a beautiful opportunity it is to be able to do this. and, you know, when you're younger, you just ignore all of that stuff. and then anxiety creeps in. because you want to do a good job. and so he kind of helped me be more playful about the whole thing.
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>> seth: he's a really playful guy. you were talking backstage about how when you're going to be 88 you're going to have all of this perspective. and a lot of 88-year-olds of course don't. >> a lot of them are pretty miserable. >> seth: there's a guy on my street who's, like, "hey, get off your phone when you're walking." >> or they're incredibly full of themselves. "you know what happened to me -- i invented wheat." >> seth: but, he's great and i highly recommend it. and congratulations and who knows, maybe your next time out it's going to be a director nomination. >> and i could lose that. >> seth: yeah that'd be great. >> yeah! >> seth: finger's crossed! ethan hawke, everyone. "good kill" will be in select theaters may 15th and on demand may 22nd. and "seymour: an introduction" is in theaters now, we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ do you regularly do you wear underwear?
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night" everybody. so, if you guys are like me, you're on twitter and every now and again i like to take a look at what's trending twitter because it keeps me updated on what's going on in the world. now some of the things that trended yesterday were, #obama, #hillary2016, and #iwatch. millions of people were tweeting about these topics. but what were some topics that didn't even come close to trending yesterday? let's find out in a segment we call, "the least trending topics on twitter." [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so here's our first least trending topic. #teensurgicalmaskselfie. so, let me explain, these are teenagers who tried to start a trend wearing surgical masks as a fashion accessory but it did not take off. let's take a look at the tweets. @medmaskbabe96 -- everyone is so jelly of my new dope-ass mask. #teensurgicalmaskselfie. let's see another tweet. @doctormaskdude21 -- our surgical mask game is totally on fleek.
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#wtf#lol#teensurgicalmaskmonday. let's see the last tweet. @lordofthemask2k15 -- teach said i couldn't wear my mask at school so i dropped out. #haters#teensurgicalmaskselfie. no, wonder that did not trend. [ laughter ] let's take a look at the next least trending topic. #tombstoneontombstone. so these are guys who like to eat tombstone pizzas -- off actual tombstones. they thought it would be the next big thing on twitter. it was not. let's take a look @schoolguy44 -- had to sneak in a midnight snack #tombstoneontombstone. let's take a look at the other tweets. thank god there were just the two. @numberonebillysquierfan -- tuberculosis may have taken my great, great grandfather, but it gave me a plate. #tombstoneontombstone# loveyougreatgreatgrandparupert. so, nice -- little sweetness at the end.
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let's take a look at the next hashtag that didn't not take off. #hasidicdemayo. [ laughter ] so this hashtag was started by some hasidic jews who like to celebrate cinco de mayo. let's take a look. @dhopp47 -- shalom! i am ready for cinco de mayo. #hasidicdemayo. take a look at the next one. @earthguy24 -- this is a great manischevitzrita. mazel tov, ese. #hasidicdemayo. [ applause ] and finally you guys, the least trending topic last night was #cautiousconvertibleentry. let's see the tweet. @carbabyboys773 -- check this little scaredy cat puss out at the last second. #cautiousconvertibleentry. so i've watched this so this is a video of someone who was caught trying to hop into a convertible, but then lost his nerve at the last second and thought it was turn into a popular hashtag. let's check it out. >> get in buddy! >> sorry.
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>> you all right? >> yeah, yeah. i just want to make sure foot -- >> okay, you okay? >> yep. >> you okay? >> hey -- i'm good. it's good to know -- >> whoa, whoa, whoa. hey, hey. >> it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. all right. it's okay. >> okay, you in? >> seth: this has been the least trending topics on twitter. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [woodworker] i live in the fine details.
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teachers, because they worked so hard. you know, cool stuff. he was always getting in trouble. he got caught smoking opium in the tool shed. he crashed my uncle's motor bike. >> and you think you're the cool one? >> yeah. it's different in pakistan. >> i've never been, but i know it isn't. [ laughter ] >> seth: please welcome back to the show, kumail nanjiani. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: hello. >> my god. >> seth: so happy you're back. you look very sharp. we were talking back stage, you look very, very sharp tonight. >> this is my first time wearing a vest. >> seth: and do you like it? >> you know, i never like wearing suits, but now i'm wearing a vest and i'm, like, "maybe this is who i am." [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> maybe i just wear a vest every day. >> seth: it has, like, a male spanx thing going on as well. which is really nice. >> i know. i've noticed -- last time i did the show there were two buttons spread apart. and you could just see the trails to my belly button.
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[ laughter ] >> seth: i just realized -- >> so this is sort of helping with that. >> seth: gotcha. >> you didn't realize? i'm sure you watched it. >> seth: well -- i do, i do have my people afterwards. my people do, like, a super cut if any belly button showed. congratulations on the show. >> oh, thank you so much. >> seth: it must be so exciting to be having the second season start. >> yeah, it's great. and we got picked up for a third season already. >> seth: oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause ] fantastic! and the show is obviously gaining in popularity the more it's on. and you have sort of an unfortunate thing where people will yell things out to you from the show that maybe aren't the best thing to be yelled at on the street. >> yeah, right. so i don't know if you guys watch the show, but in the last episode, there's a part where we're in this big competition, this big programming competition. and it's clear we're going to lose. so we're, like, well, the only way we can win is if we [ bleep ] every guy in the room. [ light laughter ] that turns into a ten-minute long discussion of the most
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efficient way to [ bleep ] all the guys in the room. >> seth: right. >> and what we decided is the best way is if you're in the middle and there's four guys and their penises are touching. and you're just sort of going back and forth. [ laughter ] that way, you get four guys at a time. >> seth: right, yeah. >> which i believe is the most possible. >> seth: yeah. >> and then we go into a whole thing where it's like, well then we have to sort guys by height, so their penises line up. [ laughter ] but then martin starr's character goes, "well, it's really not the height. it's the [ bleep ] to floor ratio." [ laughter ] the d to f. >> seth: the d to f. >> it's great. it's a very funny scene. but now, people in bars are always like, "hey, what's your d to f?" [ laughter ] more than yours, buddy. or less? >> seth: less? i don't know. >> less is good. you want it to be less. >> seth: it's really just the -- yeah i don't even know if it matters. >> people are also like, "how fast could you [ bleep ] all the guys in this room?" which, if i'm with someone who doesn't know the show, is just strangest -- i always say 47 minutes. >> seth: oh, that sounds about right.
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>> right? >> seth: you're not too full of yourself if you say 47 minutes. you're just saying i'm gonna make sure i do a good job. [ laughter ] also, this is the logo of your company, your tech company on the show. and you've also had some comments? >> yeah. [ laughter ] so, basically, we showed that. and in the first season, i said i don't like the logo, because it looks like a guy sucking a [ bleep ]. and he's got another [ bleep ] tucked behind his ear for later. [ laughter ] like a snack [ bleep ]. >> seth: a snack [ bleep ]. >> so people are always yelling at me "snack [ bleep ]!" i'm like, "i'm with my parents." >> seth: that's great. this is the dream of being on a popular tv show. people yell catch phrases like snack [ bleep ]. >> yeah, yeah. i mean, at the moment when we did it, i was like, "oh, that's really funny." now, a year later, i'm, like, "i wish i hadn't said that." [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah. but you actually had a real scientist help you guys out with the -- >> oh that's right.
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>> seth: to come up with how long it would take to do the 400 guys, you didn't just take this lightly. >> no. there was a stanford professor who has a ph.d. [ laughter ] who -- >> seth: was he a consultant? you brought him on for this? >> yeah, we were, like, "hey, good news, bad news. [ laughter ] good news, you have a job. bad news, how fast do you think you can [ bleep ] all the guys in this room?" so, a professor and his ph.d. candidate student devised all the math for it. and there's actually one -- all the math is absolutely correct. after the show came out, they put out an actual scientific paper detailing all the math. and then other scientists read it and wrote response papers. being like, "i think we could [ bleep ] these guys better." [ laughter ] and that's why global warming is still a problem. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: the best scientific minds got sidetracked.
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>> there's one point of the scene where i point at a graph. and i sayd, "this is the best metric for stamina." and i'm going to explain to you what it is. so i asked him, i was like, "what does this mean?" and they said, "well, y axis is time to orgasm. and x axis is age." and the graph sort of goes like that -- >> seth: uh-huh. >> 'cause when you're a baby, you're not orgasming. >> seth: right. >> and when you first start, your time is very quick. and then you better and longer and longer. and then when you're old, you're not orgasming, because, presumably, you're not really having sex a lot. >> seth: yeah. >> so all the math is exactly accurate. and that was a stanford professor. [ laughter ] he was like well, you're old. you're probably not getting laid. >> seth: right. i feel terrible for the babies and old people who are watching tonight. i feel like they're both like, "whoa, i did not realize what a dry spell this was going to be for us." [ laughter ] >> well, the babies have something to look forward to. >> seth: they do. that's true. you actually had an i.t. job when you were younger? >> no, that's racist. [ laughter ]
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>> seth: what? >> wait, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. >> seth: dude! you know what? now that i think of it, it was somebody else. >> no, i did. i did. i did have an i.t. job. sometimes racism is accurate. [ laughter ] >> seth: every now and then. >> every now and then. but i had -- >> seth: you were not good at it? >> i was really bad. honestly, i think i got hired because of racism. >> seth: oh, wow. >> they were, like, "look at him. he's probably good at this, right? look at him." i was really bad. i worked -- i worked at a school. and it was all of these 6, 7th graders. and my job was -- they all had laptops. all of them had a laptop. and i was the guy whose job it was to make sure all of those laptops were always working. and i was so bad at this. and the rule was, if they broke the computer, we charge a hundred dollars. but if it wasn't their fault, then it would be free. and these kids were monsters to these computers.
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one time, this girl came and gave me a computer and i opened it and it's just pouring wet. just buckets of water pouring out of this computer. and i was like, "what do you think the problem is?" [ laughter ] and she was like, "i don't know. i was just using it and it stopped working." and i was like, "were you using it outside." and she's like, "yeah." and i was like, "was it raining?" she's like, "yeah." [ laughter ] and i was like, "well, that's your fault. it's a hundred dollars." and she goes, "i didn't make it rain. god made it rain." [ laughter ] and i said, "honey, there is no god. it's a hundred dollars." [ laughter ] >> seth: that's a double whammy. finding out there's no god and out a hundred bucks. >> it was a rough day for her. plus, i never fixed the computer. i would also -- there was a closet where i would keep all the broken computers and i would go nap into it. like, every day, i would nap in this computer.
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i would also -- you know, long days are bored -- >> seth: how big of a closet was it? >> it was a big one. enough i could sort of move the hard drives and clear a nice little area for myself. and some days, i would -- i don't know how to put this. i would google myself down there, you know what i mean? like, i would clear my cache. [ laughter ] >> seth: i like that you're being delicate with the words now. >> okay. all right, i won't. imagine instead of 400 guys in one room, it's one guy and it's me. [ laughter ] >> woo! >> oh, somebody wooed for that. great. so i would do that. sometimes. and the one time -- i noticed, as i was doing it, i heard a sound. and i looked up and there's a little security camera that i had never noticed slowly moving away from me. [ laughter ] >> seth: so the security guy on closets didn't want to see it. >> i never noticed the security camera.
quote
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and i never made eye contact with him after that. >> seth: yeah. that's probably a good call. >> he understood. he was, like, all right, now we have this thing. >> seth: well, you could have taken offense, too, at the camera going away. >> why? 'cause it's like, what, you don't like this? >> seth: yeah. >> or is it, like, why did you never move away before this? >> seth: right. why do you keep moving it back? what are you hoping is going to happen? how old were you when you first came to the states? >> well, i moved here when i was about 18. but the first time i visited america, i was 14 and my family visited my uncle who lived in queens. and we just landed -- we landed in the middle of the night and i was so excited to be in america, i couldn't sleep. so early in the morning -- this was a wednesday night, thursday morning -- my uncle is, like, "hey, i've something to show you." 'cause we couldn't sleep. and he took us to manhattan. what i didn't know was, this thursday -- i'd never heard of thanksgiving. >> seth: uh-huh. >> this was thanksgiving day. and my first day in america, he showed me the macy's
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thanksgiving day parade. and i was like, "this is every day in america!" [ laughter ] as advertised! they have so much money, they have a party for garfield every day! mariah carey is here. no other day has lived up to that first day. >> seth: so disappointing. >> yeah. >> seth: and then where did you grow up? you grew up -- >> pakistan. >> seth: no, but like when you moved here when you were 18, where did you guys live? >> i lived in iowa, i went to school. then i was in chicago and started doing comedy in chicago. >> seth: did stand-up in chicago. was that a good place to start with stand-up. >> it was great. i mean a lot of funny people are from chicago. and we had some really fun times. it was good. there's a really funny comedian named -- i can't believe i'm going to tell this story. a very funny comedian named kyle kinane, who's from chicago. very funny guy. look him up if you guys don't know him. one time, we were doing a show in chicago. and we did the show, it was great. we went outside to smoke and as he was smoking, we noticed that
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there was some -- there was some -- this woman yelled at us. she was like, "you're making our spot hot." and we looked and it was three prostitutes yelling at us. and we're, like, "i don't think us smoking cigarettes is making the spot hot. i think you guys selling your body for money might be making the spot hot." so then they tried to sort of, they were, like, "hey, you guys want your vitamins?" >> seth: oh, wow. >> that's what they said. >> seth: see, i would not pick up on any of that slang. i would say "no, i think i get my vitamins. i'm good." >> i would say their hand and mouth gestures really went a long way in illustrating what they meant by vitamins. [ laughter ] so i was like, "i don't want any vitamins. thank you." i'm terrified. kyle, at the time, was very drunk. so he kind of couldn't fight them off. so, in the middle of the street, they're all over him. and they start unbuttoning his pants. and i'm just terrified and
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laughing so hard. [ laughter ] people are walking by, they have their hands down his pants and stuff. and he's just like, "ahh." [ laughter ] i finally get him away from there, because he's so drunk. i get him away. i'm, like, "we need to sober you up, buddy." we go to a subway. i feed him subway. he crashes at my place. the next day he wakes up on the couch and he sees the empty subway cup. and he goes we went to subway last night? and i was like, "there's a lot more that i have to tell you." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> seth: very nice of you to look out for him. kumail nanjiani, everybody! "silicon valley" airs sunday nights on hbo. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ the new s6 hits the stores and i'm like... whoa.
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open the box and... (sniffing) new phone smell. jump on a video chat with my friend. he's a real fan boy, so i can't wait to show this off. picture is perfect. i got mine at verizon. i... didn't. it's buffering, right out of the box he was impressed. i couldn't be happier. couldn't see him, but i could hear him making fun of me. vo: you waited this long for the s6, so why settle for anything less than verizon. put the magic of dreamworks into their new kids' menu? that's a secret... kind of. introducing dreamworks to the new denny's kid's menu. denny's. welcome to america's diner. kids eat free on tuesdays 4:00pm-10:00pm.
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keepwith the help of roomba from irobot. a full suite of sensors automatically guides roomba around your home, going under furniture and along edges while avoiding stairs. and its powerful 3-stage cleaning system sweeps, brushes and vacuums your floors. for a more thorough clean every day all at the touch of a button. roomba. only from irobot. new lipton♪sparkling iced tea. refreshing tea infused with light, crisp, tiny bubbles. for a taste that lifts you up.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everybody. tonight's musical guest has sold over 25 million records and is a
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multiple grammy award winner. he just released his latest album ,"secondhand heart." and, tonight, he's here to perform his brand new track, "liar." please welcome dwight yoakam. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ you say that you will when i know that you won't you say that you do ♪ ♪ baby when i know you don't really love me you never loved me at all honey you never tried ♪ ♪ if you did you would have had to crawl
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♪ ♪ ♪ you say that i did ♪ you say that i did baby when you know i don't you said that i do ♪ ♪ when you knew that i won't ever love you ♪ ♪ no i would not even try look if you say it again i'll swear that's just one big lie ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ oh you say that you do but we both know you don't ♪ ♪ you still say that you will when it's so for sure you won't ♪ ♪ ever love me no you never even try from the first day we met and you said it that was a lie ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: dwight yoakam. the new album "secondhand heart" is available now. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to ethan hawke, kumail nanjiani, dwight yoakam, everybody! jeremy gara and of course the 8g band! stay tuned for carson daly. we'll see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> carson: welcome to "last call" from amp radio here in los angeles. i'm cason daly. thanks for being here, everybody. tonight, we got great music. years & years will perform from the troubadour. ryan o'flanagan gets his turn in the comedy spotlight. but first, we're gonna sit down with the star of one of the most highly acclaimed series of the year. of course i'm talking about charlie cox, aka "daredevil." from dirty laundry bar, take a look. ♪ >> so, you know, my mum's my greatest fan and supporter, obviously.

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